Utterly Unprofessional Introduction

So you want to join the SSGW Watch. Good for you. Or maybe you're one of those little stretchers and you think you're going to get information on the "enemy" now, hmm? Well, that's naughty. Put this down. Now. Put it down. And don't leave it open so you can read it while pretending to have put it down. I'm wise to that one.

Moving right along, let's tackle (or pounce, or flop, or whatever you personally do) some basic questions!

1) Where did the Stretchers come from?

A good question! Most *modern* Stretchers became one relatively early in life, generally in their early to mid teens after some sort of exposure to a vampire story and/or symbol of the backwards N (for which they seem to hold some arcane fascination.) Serial killer or demon stories have been known to cause variations as well.

The stretchers as a whole, on the other hand, arose sometime before you were born. Or after, depending on when you were born, really. Regardless of the when, evil noticed that it wasn't getting very much fresh blood. Well, literally it was. But not many people were joining the team. Their reasons were many, from fear of vicious entangles, to having to hang around evil people, to some trepidation at the compulsary "monstrous appearance," which generally meant that one's job totally torpedoed one's dating career.

What's more, they noticed that, inconveniently enough for them, those who did join were, well, *evil*. Evil people have a tendency to be bastards. Plus, getting any dungeon supplies or your favourite barbed spear that you lent them back was hell on Earth.

So in came a new idea. Make evil look sexy. While this inspired a great deal of backlash at first, management persisted. At the time it seemed comical for Igor to "dance," or for a seafoam green, bewarted (It's a word! I made it up myself!) witch to be showing leg, but it caught on over time. And now we're stuck with stretchers. Guess those old ones really *were* evil.

(Incidentally, this does not include Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones who absented themselves, claiming that they were sexy, you just needed tentacles, 1000 eyes, and an appreciation for blasphemous geometries from maddening realms out of space and time and sanity and thesaureses.)

Next installment will answer, "So why are stretchers a threat?"... or "How to evil-proof your herb garden for fun and profit but mostly fun when you watch another one of them get stuck in in that springy tree trap thing," depending on how I feel and if I can figure out a way to keep the trap from catching the postman.